


Step Into My Grocery Store

by gray_zelle



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: AU, Boss/Employee Relationship, F/F, gray-zelle, gray_zelle, hey my mutuals from the dm fandom catch the cameo of a certain set of six sisters, i should be going to bed rn bc i've had 5.5 hours of sleep but i had to stay up to post this, illuminationaustralia, in this one!!! they've been dating for a while aaaaaaaa, the one where esmé and olivia go grocery shopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 18:57:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14721740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gray_zelle/pseuds/gray_zelle
Summary: Secretary Olivia drags her girlfriend and Boss Esmé into a grocery store for a quick trip.





	Step Into My Grocery Store

“Olivia, darling, look at this,” Esmé huffed. “You’re clearly not understanding.” 

“Oh, I understand completely, Esmé dearest,” Olivia replied, getting just as annoyed. “But no one wanting to get in or out of here does, so I think you should just turn your head and-“ 

“I won’t. You know the rule. If I don’t fit, I don’t go in.” 

Olivia watched her fold her arms and straighten up, making her much taller than her girlfriend, thanks to her heels. She tried to appear as defiant as possible. That only made Olivia’s annoyance surge. 

“It’s only for half an hour at the most. It won’t kill you to come inside, would it?” 

Esmé served some sharp side-eye to the people watching her, eyebrows furrowing even further. “It’s killing me now. And I’m not even properly inside. Besides, I can hardly imagine a place like this being in.” 

“They should be in all the time because without them, people no matter who they are would have quite some trouble finding what they need to live. Now, turn your head, please, Esmé. Please.” 

“Yeah, do turn your head,” a man behind her said. “Some people don’t have the time to be dramatic. Or the money to pay for a hat bigger than two suitcases.” 

Only now did Esmé turn her head; she whipped around to snarl, “Are you anyone of importance? No? Just as I thought. So you can darn well find the time to wait- Olivia!” 

She had seen the chance, and taken it. Her hands still grasping Esmé’s, the thick gloves she was wearing feeling so warm on Olivia’s skin, Olivia tugged her further inside. Esmé tried to pull away, but didn’t succeed in escaping the store – a river of irritated people flowed through the entrance, trapping her inside. 

Knowing she had no choice but to stay with her girlfriend now, Esmé grabbed at her arm. She adjusted her hat, that frown still sitting on her face. Olivia knew it wouldn’t budge, so said nothing about it. 

The two of them then made their way into the grocery store. 

After sourcing a basket, Olivia fished around in her handbag for the list she’d created earlier, while Esmé had been with a client. It wasn’t a long one – she pointed this out to Esmé, who still gave an irritated huff, as her girlfriend had expected. As they walked, Olivia snuck quick glances to her face, finding her green eyes darting to look at absolutely everything in the fruit and vegetable section before them. She glowered at people going about their business – some staring at her business suit and the largest hat she owned – and muttered insults under her breath. 

“We won’t be here for long,” Olivia reminded her while assessing the strawberries on a stand. Esmé stood and observed her work, her arms folded once again. Oliva knew they wouldn’t unfold until they were well out of the store. 

“Strawberries for strawberry smoothies and chocolate-covered strawberries,” Olivia mused. “Do you want to get some bananas for a change, dearest?” 

The bananas were right next to the strawberries. She watched Esmé eye them for a good few minute, her nose turning up at them. 

“Well?” 

“I’m trying to remember if they’re in or not.” 

Of course the ins and outs, as Olivia sometimes called them, had to be applied to even groceries. Well, she hardly made a point of paying attention to the trends – when they weren’t in public, for Esmé’s sake, because girlfriends had to make sacrifices sometimes – and anyone who could see Olivia disregarding trends from the top of 667 Dark Avenue was a peeping tom. 

“How about we get a bunch? If they’re not, you can just not eat them. I don’t mind bananas myself.” 

Esmé seemed appalled by her offer. “A bunch?! Do you think money grows on trees, Olivia?” 

“Until 1870, when the US Department of Treasury was established, Americans made money out of paper, so I suppose it once did.”

“Okay, okay. Maybe it once grew on trees. But we shall buy one banana. What would it cost? Ten pounds?” 

Olivia had no idea whether her girlfriend was being serious or not. She knew Esmé had her comedic moments – only last week had she heard her murmur “The word arson has ‘arse’ in it” to herself – but… this… no, this was too far. Esmé had to know how much basic necessities were worth. Even when she had come from a rich family, and had made herself insanely richer, and had enough money to throw around without worrying about price tags. 

“Olivia, darling? You said this trip wouldn’t take long. You’re making it last longer.” 

“Please tell me you don’t actually think a single banana costs ten pounds. Because they are worth much less than that.” 

Her eyes widened. In a whisper, she replied, “They are?” 

Olivia’s own eyes widened. “You have set foot into a grocery store before, haven’t you, Esmé?” 

Esmé was silent for a good moment. She looked away, to the rest of the store around them; maybe it was the light that flickered above them, but it seemed her already blushed cheeks pinked further. 

“Esmé, dearest?” 

“I just remembered. Bananas aren’t in. And, quite frankly, I don’t think they ever should be in. For more than the one reason.” 

Catching on, Olivia grinned – See? Esmé was quite funny at times – and let Esmé link her arm with hers. Esmé proceeded to lead them away from the strawberries and bananas as though she knew where she was going. Eventually, she did stop, and let Olivia guide them to the confectionary aisle. 

Though tonnes of people usually occupied the confectionary aisle, it being full of candy and chocolate and everything, the only other shoppers were a group of blonde young girls. Olivia thought she counted six of them. All with candy in their hands – one with pigtails carrying more than the rest – they soon went to leave. One with a high ponytail, and another wearing a headband filled with flowers, turned upon hearing Olivia’s flats and Esmé’s heels; they smiled when they noticed their closeness. 

“The strange people you see in grocery stores,” Esmé murmured, frowning the group’s way. “We’d better get out of here quickly, Olivia darling.” 

“I’m shopping as fast as I can, okay, Esmé dearest? Now, we need more chocolate to dip strawberries in,” Olivia said, gesturing to the blocks on the shelf in front of them. “Do you want milk chocolate, white chocolate or dark chocolate?” 

Esmé pouted while considering her options. “Which ones are in… Hmm… I know chocolate itself is in, but you never know, one kind might not be. Plus we have to think about the price.” 

Oh, for goodness sake. “Esmé, if chocolate is in, all the kinds should be in. And chocolate isn’t that expensive.” 

“Well parsley soda cans are not in, while parsley soda in glass bottles are. So we have to be careful.” 

“How about I make the decision on this one? You decided we wouldn’t get the bananas. That’s only fair, isn’t it? That we take turns deciding?” 

Esmé had probably realised she was irritating her girlfriend. Olivia could feel a small frown in her brow, and annoyance was beginning to simmer inside her again, but she wouldn’t go as far as saying she was irritated. Still, Esmé relenting was a good thing, so she did nothing to stop her. 

“I suppose so. But if I find out whatever you choose is out-“

“You can just not eat it,” Olivia replied, in half a snap. She tossed two blocks of white chocolate into the basket, before taking Esmé’s hand. 

They didn’t speak again until they arrived at the aisles full of soda and other beverages. Olivia made for the parsley soda immediately, putting a few six packs into the basket (perhaps she should have grabbed a cart instead). 

Though she wasn’t thinking about much anyway, Esmé’s fingers wrapping around her arm, ever so gently, interrupted her thoughts. Olivia knew her girlfriend wanted something, maybe wanted to tell her something, but had a feeling she wasn’t about to hear that parsley soda was out. 

“I’ve made you upset, haven’t I?” 

Olivia turned her head, finding Esmé’s eyes shining with two things: a desire to know the truth, no matter how horrible it could be, and guilt. Not wanting to let her suffer for a second, her girlfriend told the truth. 

“You haven’t, Esmé.” 

She wasn’t convinced. Her other hand clasped Olivia’s other arm; she made to pull her close, in a strange, but not awkward, back-on-chest hug. 

“Something else that should never be in is upsetting your girlfriend,” she murmured towards her ear. “I’m sorry, Olivia.” 

“It’s fine, Esmé. It really is. You didn’t have to apologise, but thank you for doing so.” 

“Is there any way I can make it up to you?... Now I don’t know anything about how much those baskets can hold, but I think we need one of those metal cart things.” 

Before Olivia could stop her, or suggest she mind their basket instead, Esmé was gone, heading back to the entrance of the store. Olivia decided it was best to probably wait right where she was, to keep Esmé from burning down the place to look for her. 

Soon five minutes had passed. And Esmé wasn’t back. Sighing in slight irritation, Olivia left the aisle to see what was holding her up. 

Her jaw dropped. 

“Esmé!” 

She looked up when Olivia arrived to the scene, tossing their groceries into the cart.

“I was almost there, darling. Until I was rudely crashed into.” She glared at the little old lady she had obviously collided carts with. 

The little old lady scoffed indignantly. “You were the one who wasn’t looking where you were going!”

“Do I, the city’s sixth most important financial advisor, look like the kind of woman who drives herself places? Do I really?” When the little old lady faltered, Esmé scoffed herself. “That’s right. I don’t. So back up and make way, peasant. And talk to the seventh most important financial advisor about finding the money to afford a better wardrobe.” 

As Esmé set off, shoving the cart with reckless abandon, Olivia looked back to the little old lady. “You’ll have to excuse her. She’s out of her comfort zone.”

She then smacked her ballet flats against the linoleum floor to ensure Esmé didn’t hear the lady exclaim, “Well, I never!” Just in case she sent the lady to an early (or maybe late) grave. 

“Old people,” Esmé snapped when Olivia caught up with her. “They think they’re so entitled. I hope her cats are happy to see she’s alive when she gets home. If she ever does.” 

Shaking her head in disbelief – but agreeing, to a point – Olivia linked arms with her again. She knew that would at least help her girlfriend calm down. 

“Now we need more tea, and then that’s it. We really haven’t been here for long, have we?” 

Esmé tilted Olivia’s wrist to see the time on the watch she had bought for her. “I think we should have left about fifteen minutes ago.” 

“But we have one more thing to get, okay? And then we’ll leave. The tea aisle is just here, see?” 

A little girl – much younger than the group of girls from the confectionary aisle, and probably at that age where strangers weren’t strange, but interesting instead – was the only other shopper in there. She stood close to the tea range, a box of teabags already in her little hands. Olivia gave her a smile as she and Esmé stopped a little way away. 

“Tea is still out, so I suppose you can choose whatever you want,” Esmé said. Olivia noticed she was side eying the little girl, somewhat warily. She knew her girlfriend wasn’t too fond of children, but wasn’t too sure why she felt the need to stare at one the way she was. 

Olivia picked out her preferred tea in a heartbeat. Then, she murmured, “She won’t eat you, you know.” 

“The little girl staring right up at us with hunger in her eyes?” 

“That you’re staring right back at? You’re probably scaring her.” 

It was then the little girl finally said, “Hello. What are your names?” 

“You communicate with the little demon!” Esmé hissed, stepping behind her girlfriend. “You were the school librarian!” 

Shaking her head in slight disbelief, Olivia looked back to the little girl. “My name is Olivia. And this is Esmé.” 

“Just Esmé?!” Now Esmé disbelievingly shook her head, but quickly flashed the little girl a charming smile. “I’m Esmé Gigi Genevieve Squalor, the city’s sixth most important financial advisor.” 

“What’s a financial advisor?” 

“Darling, you talk to her. I can’t deal with this.” 

“Basically a financial advisor plays with people’s money,” Olivia explained. “Esmé does that all day.”

“And what do you do all day?” 

“I’m Esmé’s secretary.” 

“But you look like you’re in love,” the little girl said, with all the innocence a child could muster. Olivia felt her heart fill with warmth at that. “Why can’t you be in love instead?” 

“Well, why can’t we be both?” 

“’Cause being in love is better, isn’t it? I don’t know. I’ve never been in love.” 

“I have to say,” Esmé said, “Being in love is better than being out of it. In fact, being in love is another thing that should be in all the time.” 

Olivia smiled at that, squeezing her arm. Soon Esmé was beaming, too. 

This all went over the little girl’s head, though. “What?... Hello, Mummy!” 

A woman younger than both Olivia and Esmé entered the aisle, with her own cart. “I see you’ve made some more friends, sweetie! Did you get the right tea for me?” 

She nodded, running to give the woman the tea. Olivia smiled at the cute moment they shared, remembering when things were like that for herself; doing so brought a pain to her heart, but she ignored it. Esmé, on the other hand, didn’t react. 

Now in her mother’s arms, the little girl pointed to those aforementioned ‘more friends’. “This is Olivia and this is Esmé. Esmé plays with money and Olivia is her secretary. And they’re in love!” 

“Well, that’s wonderful,” her mother said, in a tone that at least didn’t sound disapproving. “Well, we best get back home. Say goodbye to your friends.” 

“Goodbye!” the little girl beamed, waving as they walked off down the aisle. Olivia waved back, and nudged Esmé to have her do the same. 

“And now we have everything on our list, we can go home, too,” Olivia said. 

Esmé’s strides to the checkout lanes were so long, Olivia could hardly keep up. She could tell her girlfriend’s mood had swung completely; she no longer glowered at other people, for starters. 

The checkout lanes had lines backed right up to the shelves, apart from one. Still driving the cart with nothing but reckless abandon, Esmé noticed the shorter line, and eagerly pulled Olivia to it. 

The customer being served by the harried cashier was none other than that little old lady. 

She didn’t have many groceries – or tins of cat food – so Olivia figured she wouldn’t take long to leave. At least, she hoped she wouldn’t take long; Esmé had already stuffed their own groceries onto the conveyor belt as much as she could. One of her credit cards was waiting between her painted nails. (Luckily the little girl hadn’t noticed some of Esmé’s nails were shorter than the others, or their conversation would have taken quite the awkward turn.) 

The little old lady noticed their presence, though. Probably thanks to Esmé’s hat more than anything else. And before too long, Esmé was being served her karma for their earlier incident. 

When the cashier asked the little old lady if she was part of their new customer reward’s club, the little old lady replied with, “No, I’m not. But I would love you to tell me all about it. Take all the time you need; I’m sure these two ladies won’t mind waiting.” 

Soon Olivia was keeping Esmé from using her hat as a baton. Just as much as she was refraining herself from weaponising it. 

By some miracle, the two of them left without getting arrested for physical assault. But the little old lady had got what she deserved. In the end, Olivia had agreed to let Esmé verbally assault the little old lady instead – her only condition being that they did it together. 

Slipping into the limousine waiting outside for them, Esmé and Olivia sat close, hands entwined. They were both still grinning from seeing the little old lady’s shocked face, and hearing her say, ‘Well, I never!’, with a little more fear in her voice each time. 

“Just to home?” Abraham asked from the front. Ruining the moment. 

“Yes, Limousine,” Esmé groaned. Before he could point out his actual name, Esmé shut the window between them. “Now, where were we, Olivia darling?” 

Olivia wrapped her free hand around Esmé’s waist, pulling her closer. “How about here?” 

“Here is perfect. Here is in. And here is where I’d rather be.” 

Olivia smiled while their foreheads met each other. “Me too.” It was then she realised Esmé had never answered her question from earlier. “Esmé, dearest?” 

“Yes, Olivia darling?” 

“You had stepped foot into a grocery store before today, hadn’t you?” 

There was a pause that had Olivia certain she knew the answer. 

“Details, details. But let me tell you now, I will not be setting foot in one again… Even if it was sort of fun.” 

“Oh, Esmé,” Olivia sighed, chuckling. 

“The next time we go shopping, remind me I need to buy a much bigger hat.”

**Author's Note:**

> Once again I pasted this story's text into AO3 and I lost the italicised content but I'm too lazy to change it all
> 
> Also the "arson has the word 'arse' in it" mention was from a tumblr post made by ButtermilkPinstripes so I'd like to give credit for that!! Fam if you'd like me to remove it I'm happy to do so 
> 
> And yes this was inspired by the Arrested Development quote "It's one banana, Michael. What could it cost? Ten dollars?" if you're wondering


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